Wednesday, August 4, 2010

You Think You Know, But You Have NO Idea

Last night, I saw a show on MTV Called "If You Really Knew Me". (Challenge Day http://www.challengeday.org/index.php) This show really touched me. I think I cried for at least 45 minutes of the 60 minute show. The show focuses on random students from high school's around the country that are labeled as a "punk", "outcast", "class clown"....things of that nature. They hold a "challenge day" at the school and split the kids into groups where each student takes a turn showing people the REAL them. Many tears and hugs were shared. It made me think back to when I was in high school all the pain I felt and hid. It made me think about the people that I may have hurt unintentionally with my jokes, or whatever. Even now, do I hurt people for a laugh? Do I show myself, or do I still hide? The show has brought me here to write to you in my own version of "If You Really Knew Me...". 


If you really knew me...
You'd know I go by my middle name.
If you really knew me...
You'd know I don't remember my childhood.
Just the bad stuff.
If you really knew me...
You'd know I use to get teased about my weight;
By family and fellow students.
If you really knew me...
You'd know I was even chased on the playground being called "Big Momma".
If you really knew me...
You'd know that has had a lasting effect on me.
If you really knew me...
You'd know I'm hiding 2 big secrets from my family
And they kill me daily.
If you really knew me...
You'd know I struggled with depression through middle & high school.
If you really knew me...
You'd know I use to be a cutter and try overdosing on pills.
If you really knew me...
You'd know I tried killing myself multiple times through middle & high school.
If you really knew me...
You'd know my brother use to beat me up and scare the shit out of me.
If you really knew me...
You'd know I use to have a big drug problem.
If you really knew me...
You'd know that drug problem almost took my life in July 2007.
If you really knew me...
You'd know I was breathing for 2mins, went into a 10hr coma and missed 4 days of my life that I can't and will never remember.
If you really knew me...
You'd know I smile (sometimes) b/c I have to.
If you really knew me...
You'd know behind those smiles are unshed tears.
If you really knew me...
You'd know I never feel like I'm good enough.
If you really knew me...
You'd know I feel like I never do anything right.
If you really knew me...
You'd know I feel like a disappointment to my family.
If you really knew me...
You'd know I felt lonely and heartbroken.
If you really knew me...
You'd know a lot of the times I just put on a mask and go through the motions.
If you really knew me...
You'd know that's not all.


So, that's mine. I lost my train of thought, though. I could go on forever. There are many things that all of us hold inside afraid of what others will think. I, for one, always try to be the best friend, the helper, the problem solver 1) b/c the best feeling in the world is helping others. 2) b/c I feel like I always need to be that rock, but sometimes it is draining, yet rewarding. 3) b/c I don't want people to pity me. I don't want to bother others with my "complaining". 


Growing up, I did a lot of things for attention and that never got me anywhere. I often felt ignored (in terms of family) and still do. It was like, it didn't matter what I did, how loud I screamed...it didn't matter. My Dad use to tell me I was speaking to loud, or no one was listening. Now, I speak softly and people 3 feet in front of me can barely hear me, at times. He use to tell me to "stop stomping around the house"...when all I was doing was walking. Now, it seems I walk soft and sometimes seem to tip toe. I remember my brother chasing me and beating me up for no reason. Of course, it was always my fault. I MUST have done something to provoke him. I lived my life competing with him. He always got what he wanted, when he wanted. I think b/c my parents were afraid of what he would do. That never worked for me. Even when I'd try to run away, tell my parents I was going to kill myself....didn't matter. Once, I tried leaving and told my Mom I was going to go drive my car off the cliff. All she said, was "not in that car you're not!" Another time, I was lying on the couch, crying. I don't even know why. My Mom asked what was wrong. I just said I wasn't happy. I was depressed. She just looked at me, then started watching TV. Again, I could go on forever, but I won't waste anymore of your time.





Here are 2 songs that have always helped me through some tough times and I often share these with friends when they are going through a hard time, or just to say I love you.


Good Charlotte - March On http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=03q1heLJ-bc&feature=related


Good Charlotte - Hold On http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uv2DyzhxpA0




With that said, I hope I didn't go off on too many ramblings and made some sense. 


Anyone that is reading this, I want you to know that you are not alone in anything, ever. Someone out there feels the same. Someone out there has been through the same thing. God is always there (if you believe). I'm always here. Even if you don't know me, we just met, or we've been friends forever - I will ALWAYS be here. I have two ears and still really good hearing. I have two shoulders for you to cry on and two arms that give good hugs.

4 comments:

  1. *hugs* I identify with so much of this, but now that I'm a mother your story touches me in a different way.

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  2. Erin I'm following you! :) I'm glad you joined the blogger world and look forward to your posts. It's true there is so much most people don't know about other people. I'm really sorry you had to go through all that but maybe it has made you that much stronger. If you ever get bored come check out my blog but I'm warning you that it might make you even more bored haha:). I miss you.

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  3. Hey Erin, my name is McKenna and i was heartbroken reading your story. I found myself on the "if you really knew me" website and ended up on your blog. The more I read, the more I realized that we truly aren't alone in this world. Many of your experiences are never meant to happen to someone when they come into this world.So I'm sorry that you were put through all of that. And I know that you think I'm some stranger, but I wanted to let you know that I'm a regular highschooled, teenage girl with struggles just like you. But you seem like a generous person that has dealt with alot, and I wanted to lift that off your shoulders and let you know that if you ever feel like you need someone to confide in, or just talk to for the heck of it! (since we are girls after all..!) I am here with two perfectly functioning ears as well =)

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